Going to the ER at seven months pregnant was the scariest time of my life. The baby was fine, thank goodness, but I was not. After a particularly stressful day at work, I had tunnel vision, my heart was racing, and I had an overwhelming feeling of dread. The doctor’s told me I was experiencing Vasovagal Syncope, and was moments away from passing out.

I visited the ER two more times before my daughter was delivered for the same symptoms. When my daughter was born, I thought I was in the clear. Little did I know these events were just the start of a battle with anxiety and panic disorder.

Before I experienced true anxiety for myself, I always thought it equated to the nervousness I felt before a big test, stepping on stage, or going somewhere new. But I came to learn that it is something else entirely. 

***To be clear, anxiety and other mental illness is different for everyone. But this is how it is for me.***

Anxiety and Panic Disorder is different from nervousness. Very different.

I’ve experienced the pit in my stomach, the sweaty hands of nervousness. But anxiety very different. For me, it feels like my mind and body are out of my control. Like my anxiety is the driver in the car that is my mind. I try and turn toward positive thoughts, but it keeps steering me to the negative. I feel…off. I don’t feel like me. And sometimes, I disassociate, feeling like I’m watching myself, rather than being myself. It is very scary.

So many people experience it and keep it hidden.

I am very open about my struggles with mental health (apparently), but what boggled my mind is how many people are struggling and suffering in silence. Seriously, I’d say for every 10 people I talk to about it 8 are, or have, experienced it too! It made me realize what a stigma there is, but also what a powerful community of supporters we have right under our noses. While I understand everyone experiences anxiety differently, the conversations have made me feel less alone. It really helps.

It. Is. Exhausting.

Thinking positively for someone fighting anxiety or intrusive thoughts is like a full time job. I always thought battling mental illness was just this easy: do a strategy, breathe, think positively. But really, have you ever tried to control your thoughts that are rushing 100 miles per hour? It is not as easy as all that. I just ended up sleeping a lot for an escape from it.

Sometimes there’s triggers, sometimes there’s not.

My favorite trigger is the one where I have a panic attack in anticipation of having a panic attack. Like, I’m so worried I’ll have another, that it spawns another. Oh, the irony!

For me, anxiety is a full body reaction.

When I’m verging on panic, it starts first in hands and arms. I experience a tingling sensation that reminds me of dipping my arms in Icy Hot. It is not pleasant.

Finding medication takes time. A lot of time.

Imagine you’re in the ER bleeding out, and the doctor hands you a band-aid and tells you to try that for a few weeks before getting a bigger one. Then repeat until you find the perfect size. Meanwhile, you remain in a total state of emergency. That’s what it’s like to find the right meds. (If you go that route.)

Normal is the best feeling in the world.

But once you find the right meds and things start to feel normal again–whatever your normal is– THAT is the best. Never take it for granted.

Support and patience is key.

You will never know what anxiety feels like for somebody else. The best way to support is by asking what they need. Repeat, what THEY need. Know it may be different than what you’d need. When I was at my worst, I needed hugs, distraction, people to drive me, and not leave me alone with my kids. Man, I’m glad I got help. Above all, please don’t judge.

Intrusive thoughts are terrifying.

This one is really hard for me to write about. Whooo…but here we go. For me, the biggest intrusive thought, or feeling really, happened every time I thought about the future. The future, and I’m talking thinking about things like my kids growing up, getting married, having lives of their own—all things that should make me happy—made me feel…exhausted. Like it was too far away. Like I wouldn’t make it that far. This feeling for me, is truly the scariest and worst part. For the first time in my life, while I was never suicidal, it made me understand what that might feel like. That was when I got help.

So many strategies. Get the help that works for you.

Breathing techniques, journaling, exercise, friends, support groups, therapy, medication, massage, acupuncture, distraction, the list goes on and on…Get the help you need. You are not alone and you do not have to be.

Be well. Take care of you. Take care of one another.